A Revelation

I have talked before about how much the things people say affect us, but I guess I didn’t realize just how much it changes the way we physically see ourselves. I thought that the affect I was talking about was just how I felt uncomfortable in well fitting clothes, or how I didn’t like to look in the mirror or step on the scale because I didn’t feel beautiful. I found out over the last few days that it is so much more than that.

This weekend I had someone, who has always been a big part of my life, stay with me. They have been influential in everything I have done in my life and they have said things to me that no person should ever hear. They have been supportive and cruel all in the same embrace. I know that this person is the core reason why it took me so long to start loving myself for who I really am. When they were here I wore loose fitting clothes and was always pulling the fabric away from my stomach. When I got dressed in the morning and looked at myself, standing there in a tank top and jeans, I saw everything I always hated about my body. I saw my stomach pushing over the top of my jeans, I saw how big my arms had become, I saw how round my cheeks are now and I felt uncomfortable in my own skin again. I haven’t felt that way since, almost the beginning of this journey and I hated it. I quickly did my hair and pulled on my boyfriend’s hoodie so I could hide my body once again and obtain some semblance of comfort.

Dealing with all of my insecurities all over again made me realize that as great as I have been feeling, as much as I have started to love what I see in the mirror, the pain, frustration, hurt, and anger are so very close to the surface. It was something that pushed me to really focus on ensuring I didn’t fall off track. I wanted to make sure that even though I was having trouble feeling as good as I have been, I didn’t let this experience stop me from reaching for the goals I have been setting for myself.

It’s crazy how the presence of one person can change what I see in the mirror so much. This morning when I got dressed and stood in front of the mirror, in a tank top and jeans, I loved everything about the beautiful woman looking back at me. I didn’t see those imperfections I saw the morning before, I didn’t feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and I felt my motivation coming back and driving me forward once more. I am not going to let anything stop me from being a healthier, happier, and more active person.

I don’t know why people feel that it is okay to bring those they love down. It frustrates me. It also frustrates me that they will never truly understand how much damage they have done to those they have torn down. We all need to start choosing our words more carefully and find ways to build our loved ones up, cheer them on, and always be an ear to listen to how they are feeling.

Well time is winding down on the deadline for my next goal. There are three days left for me to lose the final pounds to hit my, ten pounds down, goal. This first ten pounds is a huge deal to me. It’s an amazing accomplishment and I am so excited to hit that goal. Though something to keep in mind is that when I step on the scale on that last day, it’s ok if I didn’t lose the whole ten pounds. I have done something that is challenging, amazing, and has already changed my life for the better. Do I want to have met my goal on the deadline I originally set? Of course, but nothing will change the fact that I have made some amazing change in just a short period of time. So the countdown is on and all that’s left to see is what I decide to celebrate come that final day.